From 8f58c9cd5bb22433d46f256b67b014fed287f27e Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Lars Brinkhoff Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2018 19:39:32 +0200 Subject: [PATCH] Build LIMERIcs program. Added data file. --- build/misc.tcl | 4 + doc/programs.md | 1 + src/eak/lims.7 | 2166 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 3 files changed, 2171 insertions(+) create mode 100644 src/eak/lims.7 diff --git a/build/misc.tcl b/build/misc.tcl index 3ed5cebe..2f0f6de7 100644 --- a/build/misc.tcl +++ b/build/misc.tcl @@ -95,6 +95,10 @@ respond "*" ":midas sys1;ts quote_sysen1;limeri\r" respond "Use what filename instead?" "ecc;quotes >\r" expect ":KILL" +respond "*" ":midas sys1;ts quote_sysen1;limeri\r" +respond "Use what filename instead?" "eak; lims >\r" +expect ":KILL" + respond "*" ":midas sys;ts srccom_sysen2;srccom\r" expect ":KILL" respond "*" ":link sys2;ts =,sys;ts srccom\r" diff --git a/doc/programs.md b/doc/programs.md index f17b6142..81ad5895 100644 --- a/doc/programs.md +++ b/doc/programs.md @@ -82,6 +82,7 @@ - JEDGAR, counter spying tool. - JOBS, list jobs by category. - JOTTO, word-guessing game. +- LIMERI, print limerics. - LISP, lisp interpreter and runtime library (autoloads only). - LOADP, displays system load. - LOCK, shut down system. diff --git a/src/eak/lims.7 b/src/eak/lims.7 new file mode 100644 index 00000000..6d22adb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/src/eak/lims.7 @@ -0,0 +1,2166 @@ +L 1,[1 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth + Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. + The miller's sun, Jack, + Laid her flat on her back, + And united the organs they pissed with. +] +L 1,[2 There was a young lady of Arden, + The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. + Said she with a frown, + "I've been sadly let down + By the tool of a fool in a garden." +] +L 1,[3 There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield + Engaged to look after the deacon's field, + But he lurked in the ditches + And diddled the bitches + Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. +] +L 1,[4 There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu + Who's often been screwed by yours truly, + But now--it's appallin'-- + My balls always fall in! + I fear that I've fucked her unduly. +] +L 1,[5 There was a young girl in Berlin + Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. + Though he diddled his best, + And fucked her with zest, + She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" +] +L 1,[6 I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, + I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. + She said it was crude + To be wooed in the nude-- + I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her! +] +L 1,[7 There was a young lady of Bicester + Who was nicer by far than her sister: + The sister would giggle + And wiggle and jiggle, + But this one would come if you kissed her. +] +L 1,[8 There once was a son-of-a-bitch, + Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, + Yet the girls he would dazzle, + And fuck to a frazzle, + And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! +] +L 1,[9 There once was a young fellow named Blaine, + And he screwed some disgusting old jane. + She was ugly and smelly, + With an awful pot-belly, + But... well, they were caught in the rain. +] +L 1,[10 There was a young sailor form Brighton + Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." + She replied, "'Pon my soul, + You're in the wrong hole; + There's plenty of room in the right one. +] +L 1,[11 A lacklustre lady of Brougham + Weaveth all night at her loom. + Anon she doth blench + When her lord and his wench + Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. +] +L 1,[12 A middle-aged codger named Bruin + Found his love life completely a-ruin, + For he flirted with flirts + Wearing pants and no skirts, + And he never got in for no screwin'. +] +L 1,[13 There was a young fellow of Burma + Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. + But now that he's married he's + Been using cantharides + And the root of their love is much firmer. +] +L 1,[14 There was a young fellow from Cal., + In bed with a passionate gal. + He leapt from the bed, + To the toilet he sped; + Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" +] +L 1,[15 There was a young man from Calcutta + Who was heard in his beard to mutter, + "If her Bartholin glands + Don't respond to my hands, + I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." +] +L 1,[16 There once was a kiddie named Carr + Caught a man on top of his mar. + As he saw him stick 'er, + He said with a snicker, + "You do it much faster than par." +] +L 1,[17 There was a young fellow named Charteris + Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. + Said she, "I don't mind, + And higher up you'll find + The place where my fucker and farter is." +] +L 1,[18 A young woman got married at Chester, + Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. + Says she, "You're in luck, + He's a stunning good fuck, + For I've had him myself down in Leicester. +] +L 1,[19 "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, + "You have told me my bosom is snowy; + You have made much fine verse on + Each part of my person, + Now do something -- there's a good boy!" +] +L 1,[20 A maiden who wrote of big cities + Some songs full of love, fun and pities, + Sold her stuff at the shop + Of a musical wop + Who played with her soft little titties. +] +L 1,[21 There once was a gouty old colonel + Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, + And he cried in his tiffin + For his prick wouldn't stiffen, + And the size of the thing was infernal. +] +L 1,[22 A lady while dining at Crewe + Found an elephant's whang in her stew. + Said the waiter, "Don't shout, + And don't wave it about, + Or the others will all want one too." +] +L 1,[23 There was a young lady of Dee + Who went down to the river to pee. + A man in a punt + Put his hand on her cunt, + And God! how I wish it were me. +] +L 1,[24 I never had Miss Defauw, + But it wouldn't have been quite so raw + If she'd only said "No" + When I wanted her so; + But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" +] +L 1,[25 A beautiful bell of Del Norte + Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty + Because during the day + She says: "Boys, keep away!" + But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. +] +L 1,[26 A young man by a girl was desired + To give her the thrills she required, + But he died of old age + Ere his cock could assuage + The volcanic desire it inspired. +] +L 1,[27 There was a young lady of Dover + Whose passion was such that it drove her + To cry, when you came, + "Oh dear! What a shame! + Well, now we shall have to start over." +] +L 1,[28 There was a young man of Dumfries + Who said to his girl, "If you please, + It would give me great bliss + If, while playing with this, + You would pay some attention to these!" +] +L 1,[29 There was a young lady of Ealing + And her lover before her was kneeling. + Said she, "Dearest Jim, + Take your hands off my quim; + I much prefer fucking to feeling." +] +L 1,[30 A lonely young lad of Eaton + Used always to sleep with the heat on, + Till he ran into a lass + Who showed him her ass -- + Now they sleep with only a sheet on. +] +L 1,[31 There was a young lady of Exeter, + So pretty, that men craned their necks at her. + One was even so brave + As to take out and wave + The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. +] +L 1,[32 There was a young lady of fashion + Who had oodles and oodles of passion. + To her lover she said, + As they climbed into bed, + "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" +] +L 1,[33 There was a young girl in Dakota + Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: + "In addition to gas + We are rationing ass, + And you've greatly exceeded your quota." +] +L 1,[34 There was a young lady named Flynn + Who thought fornication a sin, + But when she was tight + It seemed quite all right, + So everyone filled her with gin. +] +L 1,[35 A reckless young lady of France + Had no qualms about taking a chance, + But she thought it was crude + To get screwed in the nude, + So she always went home with damp pants. +] +L 1,[36 A nervous young fellow named Fred + Took a charming young widow to bed. + When he'd diddled a while + She remarked with a smile, + "You've got it all in but the head." +] +L 3,[37 There was a young fellow named Fyfe + Whose marriage was ruined for life, + For he had an aversion + To every perversion + And only liked fucking his wife. + + Well, one year the poor woman struck, + And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, + And said, "Where have you gotten us + With your goddamn monotonous + Fuck after fuck after fuck? + + "I once knew a harlot named Lou -- + And a versatile girl she was, too. + After ten years of whoredom + She perished of boredom + When she married a jackass like you!" +] +L 1,[40 There was a young lady of Gloucester, + Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. + She wasn't much hurt, + But he dirtied her skirt, + So think of the anguish it cost her. +] +L 1,[41 There was a young lady of Gloucester + Whose friends they thought they had lost her + Till they found on the grass + The marks of her arse, + And the knees of the man who had crossed her. +] +L 1,[42 There was a young fellow named Goody + Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? + If he found himself nude + With a gal in the mood + The question's not woody but could he? +] +L 2,[43 In my sweet little Alice Blue gown + Was the first time I ever laid down, + I was both proud and shy + As he opened his fly + And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. + + Oh it hung almost down to the ground, + As it went in I made not a sound, + The more that he shoved it + The more that I loved it, + As he came on my Alice Blue gown. +] +L 2,[45 In my sweet little night gown of blue, + On the first night that I slept with you, + I was both shy and scared + As the bed was prepared, + And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. + + As we both watched the break of day, + And in peaceful submission I lay, + You said you adored it + But dammit, you tore it, + My sweet little night gown of blue. +] +L 1,[47 Winter is here with his grouch, + The time when you sneeze and slouch. + You can't take your women + Canoein' or swimmin', + But a lot can be done on a couch. +] +L 1,[48 It always delights me at Hank's + To walk up the old river banks. + One time in the grass + I stepped on an ass, + And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." +] +L 1,[49 There was a young girl from Hong Kong + Who said, "You are utterly wrong + To say my vagina + 's the largest in China + Just because of your mean little dong." +] +L 1,[50 There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel + Who said, "They can all go to hell! + What they do to my wife -- + Why it ruins my life; + And the worst is they all do it well." +] +L 1,[51 There was a young man named Hughes + Who swore off all kinds of booze. + He said, "When I'm muddled + My senses get fuddled, + And I pass up too many screws." +] +L 1,[52 There were three ladies of Huxham, + And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, + And when that game grows stale + We sits on a rail, + And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. +] +L 1,[53 There was a young lady named Inge + Who went on a binge with a dinge. + Now I won't breathe a word + O f what really occured -- + But her cunt has a chocolate fringe. +] +L 1,[54 An octagenerian Jew + To his wife remained steadfastly true. + This was not from compunction, + But due to dysfunction + Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. +] +L 1,[55 "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, + "Come on, take it out, and let's play." + He pulled it on out, + But she started to pout, + His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. +] +L 1,[56 A pansy who lived in Khartoum + Took a lesbian up to his room, + And they argued all night + Over who had the right + To do what, and with which, and to whom. +] +L 1,[57 There was an old lady who lay + With her legs wide apart in the hay, + Then, calling the ploughman, + She said, "Do it now, man! + Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." +] +L 1,[58 There was a young lady of Lee + Who scrambled up into a tree, + When she got there + Her arsehole was bare, + And so was her K U N T. +] +L 1,[59 A worn-out young husband named Lehr + Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: + "Slip on a sheath, quick, + Then slip your big dick + Between these lips covered with hair." +] +L 1,[60 There was a young plumber of Leigh + Who was plumbing a girl by the sea. + She said, "Stop the plumbing, + There's somebody coming!" + Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." +] +L 1,[61 Il y avait un plombier, Francois, + Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. + Dit-elle, "Arretez! + J'entends quelqu'un venait." + Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." +] +L 1,[62 Es gibt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, + Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. + Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, + Ich hore Mann kommen." + "Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." +] +L 1,[63 Prope mare erat tubulator + Qui virginem ingrediebatur. + Dessine ingressus + Audivi progressus: + Est mihi inquit tubulator. +] +L 1,[64 Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum + Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? + Some people say, + Love finds a way, + But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. +] +L 1,[65 In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh + Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too. + His wife said, "Oh, stuff + That philosophy guff + Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!" +] +L 1,[66 There was a young lady named Maud + A terrible society fraud: + In company, I'm told + She was awfully cold. + But if you got her alone, Oh God! +] +L 1,[67 There was a young lady named May + Who strolled in a park by the way, + And she met a youg man + Who fucked her and ran -- + Now she goes to the park every day. +] +L 1,[68 There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, + Discovered his sex life was hapless: + The more he would screw + The more he'd want to, + And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. +] +L 1,[69 There was a young dolly named Molly + Who thought that to frig was a folly. + Said she, "Your pee-pee + Means nothing to me, + But I'll do it just to be jolly." +] +L 1,[70 Of his face she thought not very much, + But then, at the very first touch, + Her attitude shifted -- + He was terribly gifted + At frigging and fucking and such. +] +L 1,[71 The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard + To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, + And cried, "Oh, my dear, + I am coming, I fear, + But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." +] +L 1,[72 There was a young lad from Nahant + Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. + When asked, "Do you fuck?" + He replied, "No such luck. + I would if I could but I can't." +] +L 1,[73 There was a young man of Natal + Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. + Said she, "You're a sluggard!" + Said he, "You be buggered! + I like to fuck slow and I shall." +] +L 1,[74 There was a young man of Natal + And Sue was the name of his gal. + One day, north of Aden, + He got his hard rod in, + And came clear up Suez Canal. +] +L 1,[75 There was a gay dog from Ontario + Who fancied himself a Lothario. + At a wench's glance + He'd snatch off his pants + And make for her Mons Venerio. +] +L 1,[76 There was a young man of Ostend + Who let a girl play with his end. + She took hold of Rover, + And felt it all over, + And it did what she didn't intend. +] +L 1,[77 There was a young man of Ostend + Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. + "It's no use, my duck, + Interrupting our fuck, + For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." +] +L 1,[78 There was a young fellow from Parma + Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. + Said the damsel, demure, + "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, + But I must say you fuck like a farmer." +] +L 1,[79 A newly-wed man of Peru + Found himself in a terrible stew: + His wife was in bed + Much deader than dead, + And so he had no one to screw. +] +L 1,[80 There was a young girl of Pitlochry + Who was had by a man in a rockery. + Sh said, "Oh! You've come + All over my bum; + This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." +] +L 1,[81 There was a young lady from Prentice + Who had an affair with a dentist. + To make things easier + He used anesthesia, + And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. +] +L 2,[82 There was a young man with a prick + Which into his wife he would stick + Every morning and night + If it stood up all right -- + Not a very remarkable trick. + + His wife had a nice little cunt: + It was hairy, and soft, and in front, + And with this she would fuck him, + Though sometimes she'd suck him -- + A charming, if commonplace, stunt. +] +L 1,[84 There was a young man from Purdue + Who was only just learning to screw, + But he hadn't the knack, + And he got too far back -- + In the right church, but in the wrong pew. +] +L 1,[85 A young lady sat on a quay, + Just as propper as propper could be. + A young fellow goosed her, + And roughly seduced her, + So she thanked him and went home to tea. +] +L 1,[86 I once was annoyed by a queer + Who made his intentions quite clear. + Said I, "I'm no prude, + So don't think me rude, + But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." +] +L 1,[87 A young wife in the outskirts of Reims + Preferred frigging to going to mass. + Said her husband, "Take Jacques, + Or any young cock, + For I cannot live up to your ass." +] +L 1,[88 The King named Oedipus Rex + Who started this fuss about sex + Put the world to great pains + By the spots and the stains + Which he made on his mother's pubex. +] +L 1,[89 Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle + Who said with a wink and a smile, + "Sure, please stick it in, + Be it thick be it thin, + But if's rough I won't do as a file." +] +L 1,[90 There was a young lady of Rhyll + In an omnibus was taken ill, + So she called the conductor, + Who got in and fucked her, + Which did more good than a pill. +] +L 1,[91 There was a young German named Ringer + Who was screwing an opera singer. + Said he with a grin, + "Well, I've sure got it in!" + Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" +] +L 1,[92 A young violinist from Rio + Was seducing a lady named Cleo. + As she took down her panties + She said, "No andantes; + I want this allegro con brio!" +] +L 1,[93 A young Juliet of St. Louis + On a balcony stood acting screwy. + Her Romeo climbed, + But he wasn't well timed, + And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! +] +L 1,[94 Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, + When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, + "You must sieze it, and squeeze it, + And tease it, and please it, + For Rome wasn't built in a day." +] +L 1,[95 There was a young man from Siam + Who said, "I go in with a wham, + But I soon lose my starch + Like the mad month of March, + And the lion comes out like a lamb." +] +L 1,[96 Prince Absalom lay with his sister + And bundled and nibbled and kissed her, + But the kid was so tight, + And it was deep night -- + Though he shot at the target, he missed her. +] +L 2,[97 There was a young fellow named Skinner + Who took a young lady to dinner + At a quarter to nine + They sat down to dine; + At twenty to ten it was in her. + The dinner, not Skinner -- + Skinner was in her before dinner. + + There was a young fellow named Tupper + Who took a young lady to supper. + At a quarter to nine + They sat down to dine, + And at twenty to ten it was up her. + Not the supper -- not Tupper -- + It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! +] +L 1,[99 "My back aches. My penis is sore. + I simply can't fuck any more. + I'm dripping with sweat, + And you haven't come yet; + And, my God! it's a quarter to four!" +] +L 1,[100 There was a young lady of Spain + Who took down her pants on a train. + There was ayoung porter + Saw more than he orter, + And asked her to do it again. +] +L 1,[101 There was a young man of high station + Who was found by a pious relation + Making love in a ditch + To -- I won't say a bitch -- + But a woman of no reputation. +] +L 1,[102 There once was a dentist named Stone + Who saw all his patients alone. + In a fit of depravity + He filled the wrong cavity, + And my, how his practice has grown! +] +L 1,[103 A sailor who slept in the sun + Woke to find his fly buttons undone. + He remarked with a smile, + "Jesus Christ, a sundial! + And it's now a quarter past one." +] +L 1,[104 A plumber whose name was Ten Brink + Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. + Her resistance was stout, + And Ten Bring petered out + With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. +] +L 1,[105 The spouse of a pretty young thing + Came home from the wars in the spring. + He was lame but he came + With his dame like a flame -- + A discharge is a wondeful thing. +] +L 2,[106 I wonder what my wife will want tonight; + Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? + I wonder can she tell + That I've been raising hell; + Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? + + My wife is just as nice as can be, + I hope she doesn't feel to nice toward me, + For an afternoon of joy + Is hell on the old boy. + I wonder what the wife will want tonight! +] +L 1,[108 There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, + Exceedingly hard to get onto, + But when you get there, + And have parted the hair, + You can fuck her as much as you want to. +] +L 1,[109 Une joile epousetta a Tours + Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. + Mais le mari disait, "Non! + De trop n'est pas bon! + Mon derriere exige du secours!" +] +L 1,[110 A pretty wife living in Tours + Demanded her daily amour. + But the husband said, "No! + It's to much. Let it go! + My backsides are dragging the floor." +] +L 4,[111 In the shade of the old apple tree + Where between her fat legs I could see + A little brown spot + With the hair in a knot, + And it certainly looked good to me. + + I asked as I tickled her tit + If she thought that my big thing would fit. + She said it would do + So we had a good screw + In the shade of the old apple tree. + + In the shade of the old apple tree + I got all that was coming to me. + In the soft dewy grass + I had a fine piece of ass + From a maiden that was fine to see. + + I could hear the dull buzz of the bee + As he sunk his grub hooks into me. + Her ass it was fine + But you should have seen mine + In the shade of the old apple tree. +] +L 1,[115 A lad from far-off Transvaal + Was lustful, but tactful withal. + He'd say, just for luck, + "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" + But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. +] +L 1,[116 There was a young lady of Twickenham + Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. + On her knees every day + To god she would pray + To lengthen and stregthen and thicken 'em. +] +L 1,[117 There was a young lady named Twiss + Who said she thought fucking a bliss, + For it tickled her bum + And caused her to come + .siht gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW +] +L 1,[118 There once was a husky young Viking + Whose sexual prowess was striking. + Every time he got hot + He would scour the twat + Of some girl that might be to his liking. +] +L 1,[119 At the moment Japan declared war + A sailor was fucking a whore. + He said, "After this poke + `Long and hard' ain't no joke; + This means months till I get back ashore." +] +L 1,[120 There was a young lady of Wheeling + Said to her beau, "I've a feeling + My little brown jug + Has need of a plug" -- + And straightaway she started to peeling. +] +L 3,[121 Two anglers were fishing off Wight + And his bobber was dipping all night. + Murmured she, with a laugh, + "It's ready to gaff, + But don't break your rod which is light." + + A couple was fishing near Clombe + When the maid began looking quite glum, + And said, "Bother the fish! + I'd rather coish!" + Which they did -- which was why they had come. + + As two consular clerks in Madras + Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, + "What a marvelous pole," + Said she, "but control + Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." +] +L 1,[124 Love letters no longer they write us, + To their homes they so seldom invite us. + It grieves me to say, + They have learned with dismay, + We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'. +] +L 1,[125 There was a young student from Yale + Who was getting his first piece of tail. + He shoved in his pole, + But in the wrong hole, + And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" +] +L 1,[126 In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, + Complacently stroking his madam, + And loud was his mirth + For on all of the earth + There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. +] +L 1,[127 There was a young bride of Antigua + Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" + Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! + Why, you've only felt my twot, + My legs and my arse and my figua!" +] +L 1,[128 There was a young damsel named Baker + Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. + He yelled, "My God! what + Do you call this -- a twat? + Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" +] +L 1,[129 There was once a mechanic named Bench + Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. + With this vibrant device + He could reach, in a trice, + The innermost parts of a wench. +] +L 1,[130 There was a young man of Bengal + Who swore he had only one ball, + But two little bitches + Unbuttoned his britches, + And found he had no balls at all. +] +L 1,[131 A chippy who worked in Black Bluff + Had a pussy as large as a muff. + It had room for both hands + And some intimate glands, + And was soft as a little ducks's fluff. +] +L 1,[132 There was a young lady named Blount + Who had a rectangular cunt. + She learned for diversion + Posterior perversion, + Since no one could fit here in front. +] +L 1,[133 There was a young fellow named Bowen + Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. + It grew so tremendous, + So long and so pendulous, + 'Twas no godd for fuckin' -- just showin'. +] +L 1,[134 There was a young lady named Brent + With a cunt of enormous extent, + And so deep and so wide, + The acoustics inside + Were so good you could hear when you spent. +] +L 1,[135 There was a young girl from the Bronix + Who had a vagina of onyx. + She had so much `tsoris' + With her clitoris, + She traded it in for a Packard. +] +L 1,[136 There was a young lady from Brussels + Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. + She could easily plex them + And so interflex them + As to whistle love songs through her bustles. +] +L 1,[137 There was a young lady of Bude + Who walked down the street in the nude. + A bobby said, "Whattum + Magnificent bottom!" + And slapped it as hard as he could. +] +L 1,[138 There once was a queen of Bulgaria + Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, + Till a prince from Peru + Who came up for a screw + Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. +] +L 1,[139 There was a young girl of Cah'lina, + Had a very capricious vagina: + To the shock of the fucker + "Twould suddenly pucker, + And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." +] +L 1,[140 A lady with features cherubic + Was famed for her area pubic. + When they asked her its size + She replied in surprise, + "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" +] +L 1,[141 There was a fat lady of China + Who'd a really enormous vagina, + And when she was dead + They painted it red, + And used it for docking a liner. +] +L 1,[142 I met a young man in Chungking + Who had a very long thing -- + But you'll guess my surprise + When I found that its size + Just measured a third-finger ring! +] +L 1,[143 There was a young man of Coblenz + Whose ballocks were simply immense: + It took forty-four draymen, + A priest and three laymen + To carry them thither and thence. +] +L 1,[144 There was an old man of Connaught + Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed + The old woman said, + "This isn't a prick, it's a wart." +] +L 1,[145 There once was a girl from Cornell + Whose teats were shaped like a bell. + When you touched them they shrunk, + Except when she was drunk, + And then they got bigger than hell. +] +L 1,[146 There once was a lady of Crete + So enormously broad in the beam + That one day in the ocean + She caused such commotion + That Admiral Byrd claimed her for America. +] +L 1,[147 There was a young fellow named Cribbs + Whose cock was so big it had ribs. + They were inches apart, + And to suck it took art, + While to fuck it took forty-two trips. +] +L 1,[148 There was a young lady whose cunt + Could accomodate a small punt. + Her mother said, "Annie, + It matches your fanny, + Which never was that of a runt." +] +L 1,[149 There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, + Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. + When one pireg is shot, + There's that alternate twat, + But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. +] +L 1,[150 There was a young man from Dallas + Who had an exceptional phallus. + He couldn't find room + In any girl's womb + Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. +] +L 1,[151 There was a young girl of Des Moines + Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, + Till a guy from Hoboken + Went and dropped in a token, + And now she rides free on the ferry. +] +L 1,[152 To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, + "Can it be that my eyesight's defective? + Has the east tit the least bit + The best of the west tit, + Or is it the faulty perspective?" +] +L 2,[153 There was a young girl of Detroit + Who at fucking was very adroit: + She could squeeze her vagina + To a pin-point, or finer, + Or open it out like a quoit. + + And she had a friend named Durand + Whose cock could contract or expand. + He could diddle a midge + Or the arch of a bridge -- + Their performance together was grand! +] +L 1,[155 There was a young man of Devizes + Whose balls were of different sizes. + His tool when at ease, + Hung down to his knees, + Oh, what must it be when it rises! +] +L 1,[156 Visas erat: huic geminarum + Dispar modus testicularum: + Minor haec nihili, + Palma triplici, + Jam fecerat altera clarum. +] +L 1,[157 There was a young fellow whose dong + Was prodigiously massive and long. + On each side of his whang + Two testes did hang + That attracted a curious throng. +] +L 1,[158 There was a young man from East Wubley + Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. + Each quadruplicate shaft + Had two balls hanging aft, + And the general effect was quite lovely. +] +L 1,[159 While I, with my usual enthusiasm, + Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, + She explained, "They are flat, + But think nothing of that -- + You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." +] +L 1,[160 There was a young fellow from Florida + Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. + When they got into bed + He cried, "God strike me dead! + This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" +] +L 1,[161 An old man at the Folies Bergere + Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: + It snipped off a twat-curl + From each new chorus girl, + And he had a wig made of the hair. +] +L 1,[162 There was a young man with one foot + Who had a very long root. + If he used this peg + As an extra leg + Is a question exceedingly moot. +] +L 1,[163 In the case of a lady named Frost, + Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, + It's the best part of valor + To bugger the gal, or + You're apt to fall in and get lost. +] +L 1,[164 A certain young person of Ghent, + Uncertain if lady or gent, + Shows his organs at large + For a small handling charge + To assist him in paying the rent. +] +L 1,[165 There was an old woman of Ghent + Who swore that her cunt had no scent. + She got fucked so often + At last she got rotten, + And didn't she stink when she spent. +] +L 1,[166 There was a young man from Glengozzle + Who found a remarkable fossil. + He knew by the bend + And the wart on the end, + 'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. +] +L 2,[167 There was a young fellow of Greenwich + Whose balls were all covered with spinach. + He had such a tool + It was wound on a spool, + And he reeled it out inich by inich. + + But this tale has an unhappy finich, + For due to the sand in the spinach + His ballocks grew rough + And wrecked his wife's muff, + And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. +] +L 1,[169 A mathematician named Hall + Had a hexhedronical ball, + And the cube of its weight + Times his pecker, plus eight, + Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck-all. +] +L 1,[170 There was a young fellow of Harrow + Whose john was the size of a marrow. + He said to his tart, + "How's this for a start? + My balls are outside in a barrow." +] +L 1,[171 There was a young fellow named Harry, + Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. + He pressed it on a virgin + Who, without any urgin', + Immeadiately spread like a fairy. +] +L 1,[172 There was a young girl named Heather + Whose twitcher was made out of leather. + She made a queer noise, + Which attracted the boys, + By flapping the edges together. +] +L 1,[173 There was an old curate of Hestion + Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. + But so small was his tool + He could scarce screw a spool, + And a cunt was quite out of the question. +] +L 1,[174 There was a young man from Hong Kong + Who had a trifurcated prong: + A small one for sucking, + A large one for fucking, + And a `boney' for beating a gong. +] +L 1,[175 A fellow whose surname was Hunt + Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: + This versatile spout + Could be turned inside out, + Like a glove, and be used a s a cunt. +] +L 1,[176 Alas for the Countess d'Isere, + Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. + Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" + When he parted her thighs; + "Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." +] +L 1,[177 A highly aesthetic young Jew + Had eyes of a heavenly blue; + The end of his dillie + Was shaped like a lilly, + And his balls were too utterly two! +] +L 1,[178 There once was a lady from Kansas + Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. + It was nine inches deep + And the sides were quite steep -- + It had whiskers like General Carranza's. +] +L 1,[179 Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! + Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, + The poor wench doth stammer, + "I need a sledgehammer + To pound a man into my vent." +] +L 1,[180 There was an old gent from Kentuck + Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, + But he put it away + For fear that one day + He might put it in and get stuck. +] +L 1,[181 There was an old lady of Kewry + Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': + The `introitus vaginae', + Was unnaturally tiny, + And the thought of it filled her with fury. +] +L 1,[182 There was a young fellow named Kimble + Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, + But fragile and slender, + And dainty and tender, + So he kept it encased in a thimble. +] +L 1,[183 There was a young man of Lahore + Whose prick was one inch and no more. + It was all right for key-holes + And little girl's pee-holes, + But not worth a damn with a whore. +] +L 1,[184 There once was a horse named Lily + Whose dingus was really a dilly. + It was vaginoid duply, + And labial quadruply -- + In fact, he was really a filly. +] +L 1,[185 There was a young fellow from Leeds + Who swallowed a package of seeds. + Great tufts of grass + Sprouted out of his ass + And his balls were all covered with weeds. +] +L 1,[186 The wife of young Richard of Limerick + Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, + Still grows in diameter + Each time that you ram at her; + How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" +] +L 1,[187 There was a young lady of Lincoln + Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, + So she had a prick lent her + Which turned it magenta, + This artful old lady of Lincoln. +] +L 1,[188 There was a young girl of LLewellyn + Whose breasts were as big as a melon. + They were big it is true, + But here cunt was big too, + Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view + Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. +] +L 1,[189 A contortionist hailing from Lynch + Used to rent out his tool by the inch. + A foot cost a quid -- + He could and he did + Stretch it to three in a pinch. +] +L 1,[190 There was a young man from Lynn + Whose cock was the size of a pin. + Said his girl with a laugh + As she felt his staff, + "This won't be much of a sin." +] +L 1,[191 There was a young girl named McCall + Whose cunt was exceedingly small, + But the size of her anus + Was something quite heinous -- + It could hold seven pricks and one ball. +] +L 1,[192 There was an old satyr named Mack + Whose prick had a left handed tack. + If the ladies he loves + Don't spin when he shoves, + Their cervixes frequently crack. +] +L 1,[193 An envious girl named McMeanus + Was jealous of her lover's big penis. + It was small consolation + That the rest of the nation + Of women were with her in weeness. +] +L 1,[194 There was a young man named McNamiter + With a tool of prodigious diameter. + But it wasn't the size + Gave the girls a surprise, + But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. +] +L 1,[195 There was a young man of Madras + Whose balls were constructed of brass. + When jangled together + They played "Stormy Weather," + And lightning shot out of his ass. +] +L 1,[196 A bad little girl in Madrid, + A most reprehensible kid, + Told her Tante Louise + That her cunt smelled like cheese, + And the worst of it was that it did! +] +L 1,[197 There was ayoung man from Maine + Whose prick was as strong as a crane; + It was almost as long, + So he strolled with his dong + Extended in sunshine and rain. +] +L 1,[198 There was a young girl from Medina + Who could completely control her vagina. + She could twist it around + Like the cunts that are found + In Japan, Manchukuo and China. +] +L 1,[199 There was a young fellow named Morgan + Who possessed an unusual organ: + The end of his dong, + Which was nine inches long, + Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. +] +L 1,[200 There was a young soldier from Munich + Whose penis hung down past his tunic, + And their chops girls would lick + When they thought of his prick, + But alas! he was only a eunuch. +] +L 3,[201 There was a young lady of Natchez + Who chanced to be born with two snatches, + And she often said, "Shit! + Why, I'd give either tit + For a man with equipment that matches." + + There was a young fellow named Locke + Who was born with a two-headed cock. + When he'd fondle the thing + It would rise up and sing + An antiphonal chorus by Bach. + + But whether these two ever met + Has not been recorded as yet, + Still, it would be diverting + To see him inserting + His whang while it sang a duet. +] +L 1,[204 A girl of uncertain nativity + Had an ass of extreme sensitivity + While she sat on the lap + Of a German or Jap, + She could sense Fifth Column activity. +] +L 1,[205 There was a gay parson of Norton + Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. + To make up for this loss, + He had balls like a horse, + And never spent less than a quartern. +] +L 1,[206 A farmer I know named O'Doole + Had a long and incredible tool. + He can use it to plow, + Or to diddle a cow, + Or just as a cue-stick at pool. +] +L 1,[207 A chap down in Oklahoma + Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, + But the sweetness of pitch + Couldn't put off the hitch + Of impotence, size and aroma. +] +L 1,[208 There was a young girl named O"Malley + Who wanted to dance in the ballet. + She got roars of applause + When she kicked off her drawers, + But her hair and her bush didn't tally. +] +L 1,[209 There was a young maiden from Osset + Whose quim was nine inches across it. + Said a young man named Tong, + With tool nine inches long, + "I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." +] +L 1,[210 "The testes are cooler outside," + Said the doc to the curious bride, + "For the semen must no + Get too fucking hot, + And the bag fans your bum on the ride." +] +L 1,[211 There was a young fellow named Paul + Who confessed, "I have only one ball. + But the size of my prick + Is God's dirtiest trick, + For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" +] +L 1,[212 There was a young girl of Pawtucket + Whose box was as big as a bucket. + Her boy-friend said, "Toots, + I'll have to wear boots, + For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." +] +L 1,[213 When I was a baby, my penis + Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. + But now 'this as red + As her nipples instead-- + All because of the feminie genus! +] +L 1,[214 Two roosters in one of our pens + Found their pricks were no larger than wens. + As they looked at their foreskins + And wished they had more skins, + They discovered they'd both become hens. +] +L 1,[215 There was a young fellow of Perth + Whose balls were the finest on earth. + They grew to such size + That one won a prize, + And goodness knows what they were worth. +] +L 1,[216 To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! + Your cunt is as big as a dish!" + She replied, "Why, you fool, + With your limp little tool + It's like driving a nail with a fish!" +] +L 1,[217 A very odd pair are the Pitts: + His balls are as large as here tits, + Her tits are as large + As an invasion barge-- + Neither knows how the other cohabits. +] +L 1,[218 A young man from the banks of the Po + Found his cock had elongated so, + That when he'd pee + It was not he + But only his neighbors who'd know. +] +L 1,[219 There was a young fellow named Prynne + Whose prick was so short and so thin, + His wife found she needed + A Fuckoscope--she did-- + To see if he'd gotten in. +] +L 1,[220 A beautiful lady named Psyche + Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. + One thing about Ike + The lady can't like + Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. +] +L 1,[221 There was a fat man from Rangoon + Whose prick was much like a ballon. + He tried hard to ride her + And when finally inside her + She thought she was pregnant too soon. +] +L 1,[222 There was a young fellow called Rex + With diminutive organs of sex. + When charged with exposure + He said with composure, + "De minimis non curat lex!" +] +L 1,[223 There was a young lady named Riddle + Who had an untouchable middle. + She had many friends + Because of her ends, + Since it isn't the middle you diddle. +] +L 1,[224 There was a young man from Salinas + Who had an extremely long penis: + Believe it or not, + When he lay on his cot + It reached from Marin to Martinez. +] +L 4,[225 There was a young harlot named Schwartz + Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, + And they tickled so nice + She drew a high price + From the studs at the summer resorts. + + Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, + Was seldom hard up for a didle, + For according to rumor + His tool had a tumor + And a fine row of warts down the middle. + + Her brother, a bastard named Ben, + Could rotate his pecker, and then + He would shoot through his rear + Which made him dear + Of the girls, and the envy of men. + + Her other young brother, named Saul, + Was able to bounce either ball, + He could stretch them and snap them, + And juggle and clap them, + Which earned him the plaudits of all. +] +L 1,[229 The skater, Barbara Ann Scott + Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, + That when posed on her toes + She elaborately shows + Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. +] +L 1,[230 A cowhand way out in Seattle + Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. + He said, "No, I can't fuck + A lamb or a duck, + But golly! it just fits the cattle." +] +L 1,[231 There was a young man from Seattle + Whose testicles tended to rattle. + He said as he fucked + Some stones in a bucket, + "If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." +] +L 1,[232 There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock + Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, + But her cunt's got a pucker + That's best not to fuck, or + When least you expect it to, it'll lock. +] +L 1,[233 There was an old fellow named Skinner + Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. + But still, by and large, + It would always discharge + Once he could just get it in her. +] +L 1,[234 An ingenious young man in South Bend + Made a synthetic arse for a friend, + But the friend shortly found + Its construction unsound, + It was simply a bother -- no end. +] +L 1,[235 An aesthete from South Carolina + Had a cock that tickled like China, + But while shooting his load + It cracked like old Spode, + So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. +] +L 1,[236 There was a young blade from South Greece + Whose bush did so greatly increase + That before he could shack + He must hunt needle in stack. + 'Twas as bad as being obese. +] +L 1,[237 There was a young lady from Spain + Whose face was exceedingly plain, + But her cunt had a pucker + That made the men fuck her, + Again, and again, and again. +] +L 1,[238 Il y avait une madame de Lahore + Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, + Mais la vagine tres forte, + Toujours ouverte la porte, + Encore, et encore, et encore. +] +L 1,[239 De Hispanice puella verumque + Simplex oris verborumque + Tulit potens vagina + Hominum agmina + Iterum iterum iterumque. +] +L 1,[240 There once was a girl from Spokane + Went to bed with a one-legged man. + She said, "I know you -- + You've really got two! + Why didn't you say so when we began?" +] +L 1,[241 There was a young man from Stamboul + Who boasted so torrid a tool + That each female crater + Explored by this satyr + Seemed almost unpleasanlty cool. +] +L 2,[242 There was a young fellow of Strensall + Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. + On the night of his wedding + It went through the bedding, + And shattered the chamber utensil. + + So here was this fellow of Strensall + Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, + Anemic, 'tis true, + But an interesting screw, + Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. +] +L 1,[244 A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, + Renowned for the length of their peenies. + The hair on their balls + Sweeps the floors of their halls, + But they don't look at women, the meanies. +] +L 1,[245 There was an old man of Tagore + Whose tool was a yard long or more, + So he wore the damn thing + In a surgical sling + To keep it from wiping the floor. +] +L 1,[246 There was a young lady whose thighs, + When spread showed a slit of such size, + And so deep and so wide, + You could play cards inside -- + Much to her bridegroom's surprise. +] +L 1,[247 There was a young hayseed from Tiffan + Whose cock would constantly stiffen. + The knob out in front + Attracted foul cunt + Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. +] +L 1,[248 There's a charming young girl in Tobruk + Who refers to her quiff as a nook. + It's deep and it's wide, + -- You can curl up inside + With a nice easy chair and a book. +] +L 1,[249 There was a gay parson of Tooting + Whose roe he was frequently shooting, + Till he married a lass + With a face like my arse, + And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. +] +L 1,[250 There was a young man of Toulouse + Who had a deficient prepuce, + But the foreskin he lacked + He made up in his sac; + The result was, his balls were too loose. +] +L 1,[251 A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket + Had a hole as big as a basket. + A spot, as a bride, + In it now, you could hide, + And include with your luggage your mascot. +] +L 1,[252 A young man maintained that his trigger + Was so big that there weren't any bigger. + But this long and thick pud + Was so heavy it could + Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. +] +L 1,[253 A cautious young fellow named Tunney + Had a whang that was worth any money. + When eased in half-way, + The girl's sigh made him say, + "Why the sigh?" "For ths rest of it, honey." +] +L 1,[254 There was an old man who said, "Tush! + My balls always hang in the brush, + And I fumble about, + Half in and half out, + With a pecker as limber as mush." +] +L 1,[255 A pious old woman named Tweak + Had taught her vagina to speak. + It was frequently liable + To quote from the Bible, + But when fucking -- not even a squeak! +] +L 1,[256 There once was a newspaper vendor, + A person of dubious gender. + He would charge one-and-two + For permission to view + His remarkable double pudenda. +] +L 1,[257 A maiden who lived in Virginny + Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. + The horsey set rushed her, + But success finally crushed her + For her tone soon became harsh and tiny. +] +L 1,[258 There was a young of Warwick + Who had reason for feeling euphoric, + For he could by election + Have triune erection: + Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. +] +L 1,[259 When he tried to inject his huge whanger + A young man aroused his girl's anger. + As they strove in the dark + She was heard to remark, + "What you need is a zeppelin hanger." +] +L 1,[260 There was a young squaw of Wohunt + Who possessed a collapsible cunt. + It had many odd uses, + Produced no papooses, + And fitted both giant and runt. +] +L 1,[261 There was a young laundress named Wrangle + Whose tits tilted up at an angle. + "They may tickle my chin," + She said with a grin, + "But at least they keep out of the mangle." +] +L 1,[262 An organist playing in York + Had a prick that could hold a small fork, + And between obbligatos + He'd munch at tomatoes, + And keep up his strength while at work. +] +L 1,[263 There was a young man named Zerubbabel + Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. + When they asked if his pleasure + Was only half measure, + He replied, "That is highly improbable." +] +L 1,[264 There was a young man named Zerubbabub + Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club + But the pride of his life + Were the tits of his wife -- + One real, and one India-rubber bub. +] +L 1,[265 Thus spake I AM THAT I AM: + "For the Virgin I don't give a damn. + What pleases me most + Is to bugger the Ghost, + And then be sucked off by the Lamb." +] +L 1,[266 Asi dije YO SOY QUE YO SOY: + "Por La Virgen un carajo no doy. + Lo que debe gustar + Es Jesus caporar -- + Y para hacerlo Yo voy." +] +L 1,[267 Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches + Got on with her grooms and her wenches: + She went down on the gents, + And pronged the girl's vents + With a clitoris reaching six inches. +] +L 1,[268 There was a young lady named Astor + Who never let any get past her. + She finally got plenty + By stopping twenty, + Which certainly ought to last her. +] +L 1,[269 Oden the bardling averred + His muse was the bum of a bird, + And his Lesbian wife + Would finger his fife + While Fisherwood waited as third. +] +L 1,[270 There was a young fellow named Babbitt + Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, + But a girl from Johore + Could do it twice more, + Which was just enough extra to crab it. +] +L 1,[271 A young polo-player of Berkeley + Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. + In the midst of each chukker + He would break off and fuck her + Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. +] +L 1,[272 There once was a jolly old bloke + Who picked up a girl for a poke. + He took down her pants, + Fucked her into a trance, + And then shit into her shoe for a joke. +] +L 1,[273 There was a young idler named Blood, + Made a fortune performing at stud, + With a fifteen-inch peter, + A double-beat metre, + And a load like the Biblical Flood. +] +L 1,[274 Though the invalid Saint of Brac + Lay all of his life on his back, + His wife got her share, + And the pilgrims now stare + At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. +] +L 1,[275 There was an old man of Brienz + The length of whose cock was immense: + With one swerve he could plug + A boy's bottom in Zug, + And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. +] +L 1,[276 There once was a Duchess of Bruges + Whose cunt was incredibly huge. + Said the king to this dame + As he thunderously came: + "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" +] +L 1,[277 There was an old man of Cajon + Who never could get a good bone. + With the aid of a gland + It grew simply grand; + Now his wife cannot leave it alone. +] +L 1,[278 There was a young girl of Cape Cod + Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. + But it wasn't Jehovah + That turned the girl over, + 'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, + The bugger, the bastard, the sod! +] +L 1,[279 There once was a lady named Carter, + Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. + She stripped off his pants, + At his prick quickly glanced, + And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" +] +L 1,[280 A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, + Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. + While the man detumesced + She still spent on with zest, + Her rapture sheer anachronism. +] +L 1,[281 There was a young man in the choir + Whose penis rose higher and higher, + Till it reached such a height + It was quite out of sight -- + But of course you know I'm a liar. +] +L 1,[282 There a young man from the Coast + Who had an affair with a ghost. + At the height of orgasm + Said the pallid phantasm, + "I think I can feel it -- almost!" +] +L 1,[283 Have you heard of the lady named Cox + Who had a capacious old box? + When her lover was in place + She said, "Please turn your face. + I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." +] +L 1,[284 A team playing baseball in Dallas + Called the umpire a shit out of malice. + While this worthy had fits + The team made eight hits + And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. +] +L 1,[285 There was a young girl of Darjeeling + Who could dance with such exquisite feeling + There was never a sound + For miles around + Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. +] +L 1,[286 There was a young woman in Dee + Who stayed with each man she did see. + When it came to a test + She wished to be best, + And practice makes perfect, you see. +] +L 1,[287 There was a family named Doe, + An ideal family to know. + As father screwed mother, + She said, "You're heavier than brother." + And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" +] +L 1,[288 A lady, by passion deluded, + Found an African drunk and denuded, + And -- fir as a fiddle, + And hot for a diddle -- + She tied splints to his penis and screwed it. +] +L 1,[289 There was a strong man of Drumrig + Who one day did seven times frig. + He buggered three sailors, + Four Jews and two tailors, + And ended by fucking a pig. +] +L 1,[290 There was an old man of Duluth + Whose cock was shot off in his youth. + He fucked with his nose + And with fingers and toes, + And he came through a hole in his tooth. +] +L 1,[291 There was an old man of Duddee + Who came home as drunk as could be. + He wound up the clock + With the end of his cock, + And buggered his wife with the key. +] +L 1,[292 A rapturous young fellatrix + One day was at work on five pricks. + With an unholy cry + She whipped out her glass eye: + "Tell the boys I can now take on six." +] +L 1,[293 There was a young man with a fiddle + Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" + She replied, "Yes, I do, + But prefer to with two -- + It's twice as much fun in the middle." +] +L 1,[294 I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing + Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" + I replied, "Simple shagging + Without any wagging + Is only for screwing canoeing." +] +L 1,[295 There was a young fellow named Fletcher, + Was reputed an infamous lecher. + When he'd take on a whore + She'd need a rebore, + And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. +] +L 1,[296 A young fellow discovered through Freud + That although of penis devoid, + He could practice coitus + By eating a foetus, + And his parents were quite overjoyed. +] +L 1,[297 There was a young man from Jodhpur + Who found he could easily cure + His dread diabetes + By eating a foetus + Served up in a sauce of manure. +] +L 1,[298 There once was a sailor named Gasted, + A swell guy, as long as he lasted, + He could jerk himself off + In a basket, aloft, + Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. +] +L 1,[299 There was a young girl of Gibraltar + Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. + It really seems odd + That a virtuous God + Should answer her prayers and assault her. +] +L 1,[300 A young man with passions quite gingery + Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. + He slapped her behind + And made up his mind + To add incest to insult and injury. +] +L 1,[301 A passionate red-headed girl, + When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, + And her twat would get wet + And would wiggle and fret, + And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. +] +L 1,[302 There was a young lady named Gloria + Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, + And then by six men, + Sir Gerald again, + And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. +] +L 1,[303 Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, + She obliges all who accost her. + She welcomes the prick + Of Tom, Harry or Dick, + Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. +] +L 1,[304 The latest reports from Good Hope + State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, + And fuck high, wide, and free, + From the top of one tree + To the top of the next -- what a scope! +] +L 1,[305 A newlywed couple from Goshen + Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. + In twenty-eight days + They got laid eighty ways -- + Imagine such fucking devotion! +] +L 1,[306 There was a young fellow named Grimes + Who fucked his girl seventeen times + In the course of a week -- + And this isn't to speak + Of assorted venereal crimes. +] +L 1,[307 There was a young lady named Hatch + Who would always come through in a scratch. + If a guy wouldn't neck her, + She'd grab up his pecker + And shove the damn thing up her snatch. +] +L 1,[308 There was a young lady named Hilda + Who went for a walk with a builder. + He knew that he could, + And he should, and he would -- + And he did -- and he goddam near killed her! +] +L 1,[309 Cum Hilde autem ambulabat + Homo qui aedificabat. + Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat. + Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. + Sed virginem pine necebat. +] +L 1,[310 I know of a fortunate Hindu + Who is sought in the towns that he's been to + By the ladies he knows, + Who are thrilled to the toes + By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do. +] +L 1,[311 If you're speaking of actions immoral + The how about giving the laurel + To doughty Queen Esther, + No three men could best her -- + One fore, and one aft, and one oral. +] +L 1,[312 There was a young miss from Johore + Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; + In a manner uncanny + She'd wobble her fanny, + And drain your nuts dry to the core. +] +L 1,[313 There was a young fellow of Kent + Whose prick was so long that it bent, + So to save himself trouble + He put it in double, + And instead of coming he went. +] +L 1,[314 There was a young man of Kildare + Who was fucking a girl on the stair. + The bannister broke, + But he doubled his stroke + And finished her off in mid-air. +] +L 1,[315 A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll + While bent over plucking a dingle + Had the whole of Eisteddfod + Taking turns at his pod + While they sang some impossible jingle. +] +L 1,[316 There once were two brothers named Luntz + Who buggered each other at once. + When asked to account + For this intricate mount, + They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." +] +L 1,[317 There was a young lady named Mable + Who liked to sprawl out on the table, + Then cry to her man, + "Stuff in all you can -- + Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." +] +L 1,[318 An impotent Scot named MacDougall + Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. + He was gathering semen + To gender a he-man, + By screwing his wife through a bugle. +] +L 1,[319 There once was a girl named Mcgoffin + Who was diddled amazingly often. + She was rogered by scores + Who'd been turned down by whores, + And was finally screwed in her coffin. +] +L 1,[320 A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, + Was having a captive, a person + Who was not averse + Though she had the curse, + And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. +] +L 1,[321 There was a young Scot in Madrid + Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. + When they said, "Are you faint?" + He replied, "No, I ain't, + But I don't feel as good as I did." +] +L 1,[322 There was a young fellow of Mayence + Who fucked his own arse, in defiance + Not only of custom + And morals, dad-bust him, + But most of the known laws of science. +] +L 1,[323 The woman who lives on the moon + Is still cherishing the balloon + Of an earthling who'd come + And given her some, + But had dribbled away all too soon. +] +L 1,[324 There is a young faggot named Mose + Who insists that you fuck his long nose. + And you'll double the joy + Of this lecherous boy + If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. +] +L 1,[325 There was an Old Man of the Mountain + Who frigged himself into a fountain + Fifteen times had he spent, + Still he wasn't content, + He simply got tired of the counting. +] +L 1,[326 There was a young lady named Nance + Who learned about fucking in France, + And when you'd insert it + She'd squeeze till she hurt it, + And shoved it right back in your pants. +] +L 1,[327 A studious professor named Nestor + Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. + But she drained out his balls + And skipped up the walls, + Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. +] +L 1,[328 The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- + No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. + Where ten thousand virgins + Succumbed to his urgin's + There now stands the great State of Utah. +] +L 1,[329 There was a young girl of Newcastle + Whose charms were declared universal. + While one man in front + Wired into her cunt, + Anothere was engaged at her arsehole. +] +L 2,[330 There was a young girl from New York + Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. + A woodpecker or two + Made the grade it is true, + But it totally baffled the stork. + + Till along came a man who presented + A tool that was strangely indented. + With a dizzying twirl + He punctured that girl, + And thus was the cork-screw invented. +] +L 1,[332 There was a young girl named O'Clare + Whose body was covered with hair. + It was really quite fun + To probe with one's gun, + For her quimmy might be anywhere. +] +L 1,[333 There once was a gay young Parisian + Who screwed an appendix incision, + And the girl of his choice + Could hardly rejoice + At the horrible lack of precision. +] + +L 1,[334 While spending the winter at Pau + Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." + So the head-porter made her + The second-cook laid her; + The waiters were all hanging low. +] + +L 1,[335 There was a young girl of Penzance + Who boarded a bus in a trance. + The passengers fucked her, + Likewise the conductor. + The driver shot off in his pants. +] + +L 1,[336 The Shah of the Empire of Persia + Lay for days in a sexual merger. + When the nautch asked the Shah, + "Won't you ever withdraw?" + He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." +] + +L 1,[337 A remarkable race are the Persians, + They have such peculiar diversions. + They screw the whole day + In a regular way, + And save up the nights for perversions. +] + +L 1,[338 There was a young girl of Rangoon + Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. + "Well, it has been great fun," + She remarked when he'd done, + "But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." +] + +L 1,[339 There was a young lady named Ransom + Who was rogered three times in a hansom. + When she cried out for more + A voice from the floor + Said, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." +] + +L 1,[340 A maestro directing in Rome + Had a quaint way of driving it home. + Whoever he climbed + Had to keep her tail timed + To the beat of his old metronome. +] + +L 1,[341 "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, + "In a long-distance telephone booth, + I enjoyed the perfection + Of an ideal connection -- + I was screwed, if you must know the truth." +] + +L 1,[342 Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; + Of all the girls that I've had, + None gave me the thrill + Of real rapture until + I learned how to be a tribade." +] + +L 1,[343 There once was a handsome young seaman + Who with ladies was really a demon. + In peace or in war, + At sea or on shore, + He could certainly dish out the semen. +] + +L 1,[344 Said a girl being had in a shanty, + "My dear, you have got it in slanty." + He replied, "I can use + Any angle I choose. + I ride as I please -- I'm Duranty!" +] + +L 1,[345 An old couple just at Shrovetide + Were having a piece -- when he died. + The wife for a week + Sat tight on his peak, + And bounced up and down as she cried. +] + +L 2,[346 My wife is an amorous soul + On fire for an African's pole. + She told a coon chauffeur + That he was her gopher -- + And, say, did he go for her hole! + + As he creamed my wife's cunt, the coon said, + "I could fuck this until she was dead!" + As he plugged up her trough, + I jerked myself off; + "If that's how you feel, go ahead!" +] + +L 1,[348 There was a young lady of Spain + Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. + They did it again + And again and again, + And again and again and again. +] +L 1,[349 There was a young man from Nantucket + Whose prick was so long he could suck it. + He said with a grin + As he wiped up his chin, + " If my nose were a cunt I could fuck it". +] +L 1,[350 There was a young man from LeDoux, + Whose limericks stopped at line two. +] +L 1,[351 If, inside a circle, a line + Hits the center and runs spine to spine, + And the line's legnth is D, + The Circumfernce will be + D times 3.14159 +] +L 1,[352 To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. + Their fertility was somewhat unstable. + He constructed a bed + out of tree trunks and said, + `even adders can multiply on a log table.' +] +L 1,[353 A young sports car driver names Breen + Had the fastest machine on the seen. + He drove fast as light, + And with No cops in sight + He'd blueshift the red lights to green. +] +L 1,[354 There once was a couple named Kelley + Who were forced to walk belly to belly. + Because in their haste, + They used library paste + Instead of petroleum jelly. +] +L 1,[355 There was a young girl who begat + Three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat. + It was fun in the breeding, + But hell in the feeding, + For she found there was no tit for Tat. +] +L 1,[356 There was a young man from Peru, + Who took a trip in a canoe. + While staring at Venus, + And playing with his penis, + He wound up with a handful of goo. +] +L 1,[357 A horny young woman named Alice, + Used a dynamite stick as a phallus. + She blew her vagina + To South Carolina, + And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. +] +L 1,[358 A notorious harlot named Hearst, + In the pleasures of men was well-versed. + Reads the sign o'er the head + Of her well-rumpled bed + "The customer always comes first." +] +